55s and Then Some

2012-02-11T02:17:00.000-05:00

Your heart constricts uncontrollably when in one moment’s distraction you realize you are going to miss someone. In that unsettled feeling you reinvent love. In that suddenness you understand attachment. Then, in that awkward stillness you brace yourself once again, to let go.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

Nine months

2012-01-13T00:04:00.002-05:00

She looked at the clock ticking by. Each tick giving way; towards a new day. She wondered about the time that had passed by, feeling weak. First each minute and then it grew to heaps of weeks. She would have been a mother today had he made sweet luv to her that night than breaking up with her.

…decisions!!

And today rusts her soul…

2011-09-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight, couple of years ago, two almost-strangers, met at a historical monument, marking their own lives with historic moments.

The night was strange but in a dream-come-true kinda way. By the end of it, she felt frozen in his car- couldn't step out. Gentle caressing of each other’s hands had turned fierce. She gave him a final hug, without realizing her head was sliding down- turning her face to his face. The first kiss that followed touched her soul. And so did- each one after that.

That’s something she misses about him the most.

Once upon a time...

2011-07-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

It was dark, while she tried to open the door distracted by his nibbling on her neck. They fumbled through the way into the room. She stood next to him. Her back resting on the cupboard; He picked her up from the waist to bring her face next to his. And kissed her again. Her withdrawal forced him to stop and look at her with questioning eyes.

She smiled.

She loved doing that- look at him while he was full of passion for her.

Maybe tomorrow...

2010-08-23T13:12:00.002-05:00

Red, blue, purple. The colors of her life leaving her, were now on her body. Fallen in love to fallen on the road. She pleaded him to stay with her, atleast just that dark-moist night.

“I am not letting you go!”

He left her without even a goodbye. Never looked back.

Yes! Wounds that one can SEE, do heal!

Maybe… tomorrow…

Frogs

2009-06-06T16:05:00.002-05:00

People adapt, he remarked dismissively. She was immediately reminded of what she had read about frogs: if dropped in hot water; they jump out immediately. If left in lukewarm water and temperature is raised gradually, however, they will stay in the water until they die. In the end, she reflected, we are all just frogs.

A Man Of Action

2009-05-27T14:11:00.001-05:00

Sitting lonely and alone.

Forlorn.

Except for your thoughts. Resounding off the walls they come, reflecting in constructive and destructive interference.

Coupling. Mating. Fighting. Agreeing. To disagree. And stringing together plans. Action and adventure. Ideas and to-do lists.

It is time to act now.

Get up. Stop the nonsense now. Flush. Recapture your life tonight.

Change

2009-05-25T01:33:00.003-05:00

Dark clouds came from nowhere and masked the sky. It started to rain in the middle of summer.

Suddenly it changed everybody’s mood. Happy and chirpy buzzing the floor with sounds, words and laughter. Just a little off from the regular changes a lot.

He didn’t call after dinner that night.

Colorblind

2009-05-25T01:32:00.006-05:00

Black was her favorite color. From her dress to her coffee, she preferred that. If she had her way, she would paint all the roses in her garden.

May be, after all these years, he knew at least that much about her. He left her with a black eye in all darkness.

Hopeless

2009-05-25T01:32:00.005-05:00

Slow slurry sounds made her realize she had kept even her dog awake so late.

What was she doing anyway-going over the past half decade of her life once again! Trying to find that one place where she had gone wrong. Reason that made him leave.

There was no hope for her now.

Nightmares

2009-05-25T01:21:00.002-05:00

She sat next to him in the field. As he talked to her, she could see the naïve and innocent him, without really listening to what he was saying. And then she saw another him playing cricket a little far away- rugged and brute.

She woke up.

Anything to feel close to him- even nightmares!

2009-05-01T17:13:00.001-05:00

I saw an elderly woman out for a jog.
She was wearing makeup and pearl drop-earrings.
I smiled at her, and she nodded back with a wheeze.

2009-04-28T10:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes someone will sit down next to me on the subway, and I realize I will spend 20 minutes next to this person and never see their face.
Our shoulders may touch, I may like their shoes, but I will never turn my head to really see them.
What if we look the same?

2009-04-27T16:27:00.002-05:00

My girlfriend's eyelashes didn't match her hair. When she took off her mascara, she looked like a ghost. Whereever she is, I know when she washes her face, her eyes scare her.
I told her she was more beautiful that way.
She was in love with contrast.

2009-04-24T17:29:00.001-05:00

"He loves me,"
"He loves me,"
"He loves me,"
"He loves me,"
"He loves me,"
She giggled as he reached over and pulled the last petal off himself.
"Yes, I love you," he murmured against her lips. "Irrevocably, undeniably so."
The petals lay forgotten as she responded in the only way that could possibly suffice.

2009-04-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

She embraced him, breathing him in, only to let go and step back, confused. There was a strangeness to his scent, an alien presence. He smelled faintly of musk, sandalwood and the sweat of her skin. Still unsure, testing, she leaned forward and kissed his shoulder, but all she could taste was his unmitigated betrayal.

2009-04-22T17:28:00.000-05:00

The day he asked her to be his, she started a journal. Everyday, religiously, she wrote one reason why she loved him. It was meant to be a present for him, at some point. Maybe a birthday, or an anniversary. She never imagined that she would need it. To remind her why she should stay.

2009-04-21T17:27:00.000-05:00

874 miles, 728 days and 12 inches. That was a lot to be separated by, she mused, considering that she'd never felt closer to anyone. Ever.
She was startled out of her reverie as he casually swung her into his lap. Distance be damned, she grinned to herself as she leaned forward to kiss him.

2009-04-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

He expressed disdain at the red tint of her nails and so she never used that color again. She got his bedroom walls painted that exact shade of red the day she walked out on him. All the girls that he brought home loved it. He wondered if a thank you note would be appropriate.

2009-04-19T17:26:00.000-05:00

She ran a finger up his arm, smiling at the trail of goosebumps that followed. He mirrored her smile as he shifted in his sleep. Settling herself into his arms, she giggled as he unconsciously pulled her back into him. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of lovers that called back.

2009-04-18T17:26:00.000-05:00

Flirtations. Distractions. Stolen glances over solids. Solids and stripes. He never let her win. She returned the favor. Three to one. One to one.
In the end, they both lost.

Maybe I should have let him win, she'd think with a sigh.

Maybe I shouldn't have sank the eight right then, he would muse later.

Moving On

2009-04-17T17:25:00.000-05:00

Today, in the midst of sheer happiness, she thought of him. And she paused. Mid-laugh. And she thought of him. And of them. And the "them" that they used to be. And she wondered what she had been thinking then. Or whether she had even been thinking at all. And then she laughed again.

Something like fate

2009-04-16T17:25:00.000-05:00

she woke up sweating, curled tight around herself. she thought she heard him call her name. she felt the burning behind her eyelids. hallucinations. sweet hallucinations. five am. she slowly made her way across the room in the dark. she felt cold. alone. so alone. suddenly she smiled, radiant. The Magic Eight Ball said Yes.

For He Who Sulks

2009-04-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

His hair was long. Longer than hers. She loved running her fingers through it. Long and silky. Enough to inspire inadequacy. She played with strands as he slept, twirling them around her finger almost reverently. He couldn't bear for her to feel insufficient, subordinate. He shaved his head. Her hands felt empty. She left.

taara

2009-04-14T17:23:00.000-05:00

seventeen freckles on her neck. shaped like a star. slightly skewed. but still, a star. his star, he used to say, fanciful. his. all his. naive. but fanciful, still. but stars burn out. and nobody likes to be left with ashes. only ashes. of burnt out stars. of freckles. freckles that promised so much. once.

crush

2009-04-13T17:22:00.000-05:00

my head is throbbing. my mouth is dry, my lips chapped. i run my tongue over my bottom lip, desperately seeking relief. cotton mouth. i can tell you exactly what that means. so much more than a fancy moniker. i can feel the cold tremors running under my skin. but you are oblivious. always oblivious.

2009-04-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

Her nails blush endearing shades of coral and soft spirals frame her heart-shaped face. She is perfectly coiffed, impeccably dressed, not one hair out of place. A million women would die to be her. The men, to be with her. The most beautiful woman in the world. Inside, she is empty.

exhale

2009-03-07T09:35:00.000-05:00

scared of being alone with the unspoken words

that hung between them

she fills her day with unending chores

the faintly bitter hairball of emotions

rising in her throat reminds her of

the emptiness he leaves behind every night

when he walks away in her sleep

will she ever be ready to let him go?

When time stood still...

2008-04-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

Time has stood still. The sky is a brigher blue, the sun isn’t scorching any longer, it doesn’t matter that the driver is grumpy or that I have been nudged out of the queue twice over.
The red bougainvillea, outside my window, nod in unison with the sea breeze.
Time has stood still…..for all four watches of mine are not working.

2008-02-20T13:34:00.000-05:00

Vidya decided that the building was at least 350 feet high. She balanced herself carefully on the railing, and looked down. Funny, she thought. She had always been scared of heights as a child. And now…

Somewhere, a woman screamed.

Vidya The Vanquisher of Villainous Elements grinned as she flew down to save the world.

2007-12-04T22:55:00.001-05:00

It was the night of the first snow. She slipped her hands into the sides of her yellow fleece shorts, smiling fleetingly at the warmth seeping into her fingers. She had never understood why he did it before.
He couldn't get the cold out of his burning fingertips. His flannel pyjamas were a terrible replacement.

Trying

2007-11-19T06:58:00.000-05:00

Spirals.
Flowers. Some with sepals.
Blissful stars, fiendish crescent moons. Spiked suns. And all that galactic nonsense.
Meticulously doodled on white paper.
One whole page devoted exclusively to these little masterpieces.

The upturned lines on the smileys started drooping.
The images became frenzied, riotous.
The dark blue ink, mutinous.

She wished they had been words

Pages of my Life

2007-10-29T23:39:00.001-05:00

Pages of my life—archived and new!

It is like an old family album and the stories behind every pose, every smirk and every true grin.
It is also like opening a new book, smelling of crispy paper.

This had to happen. But why did I let it be?

Maybe because Hope is never archived.

the list

2007-10-22T13:03:00.005-05:00

leg wax. mani-pedi.
new colorstay lip stain.
charge camera.
don't max out credit card.
new black dress. (#17)
dangly earrings.
only salad. no soda (soda bloats.)
dkny Be Delicious - For Her.
round hairbrush for singing.
The World is Mine.
paddle hairbrush for brushing.
practice five-second semi-demure stare.
red wine to squash flutterbyes.

The Uptown 6

2007-10-22T13:03:00.003-05:00

Three pennies.
A small pencil.
A red umbrella with watermelons printed on it.
Two keys on a key chain.
A white hamster.
A cell phone.
A broken locket.
A baby.

She stared at the bizarre collection of images, bemused.

New York City Subway Lost and Found

She wondered if she could get her virginity back.

soundtrack

2007-10-22T13:03:00.001-05:00

As she watched him walk out of the door, she heard the last few strains of 'their song' drift in from the neighbor's radio. She smiled bitterly through her tears, remembering when she had said to him, bathing in the afterglow, "I wish my life was a movie, just so that the music would play."

wonderland

2007-10-22T13:02:00.003-05:00

She blew smoke rings at him and proclaimed that she felt like Alice's catterpillar. He laughed at her childishness and blew a smoke ring back at her. Glancing at the skull on the pack, she wondered if catterpillars got cancer. Then he blew one ring through another, and laughing delightedly, she forgot all about it.

Daily Planner: Year 2007

2007-10-22T13:02:00.001-05:00

Daily Planner: Year 2007

September 6th, Thursday
Things to do today:
1. Get up
2. Survive
3. Go back to bed

September 7th, Friday
Things to do today:
1. Get up
2. Survive
3. Go back to bed

September 8th, Saturday
Things to do today:
1. Get up
2. Survive
3. Go back to bed

cigarettes and love

2007-10-22T13:01:00.004-05:00

He smokes Marlboros. The first cigarette she ever smoked was a Benson and Hedges - Special Filter. So was the last. He kissed her after every cigarette. He said he loved the taste of cigarettes and her grape lip balm. He still smokes Marlboros. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway. The brands were all wrong.

new

2007-10-22T13:01:00.003-05:00

New house, new room.
"New experience," they said, "learning new things is good."

New place, new people.
Hellos, goodbyes and high-pitched giggles.
"Did you just get in? Oh! Me too!"

New clothes, new shoes.
Itchy new labels and new band-aids on new blisters.

I miss Old. I wonder if it misses me too.

2007-10-22T13:01:00.001-05:00

An almost imperceptable nod.

Suddenly, it was as if he could feel his dignity shrivel up inside of him and scurry away in disgust. He felt the almost hysterical laughter choke in his throat as he glanced down at his hands with a defeated sigh.

Three little words --- that's all it took.

"Hold my purse."

2007-10-22T13:00:00.001-05:00

(apologies.. updates have been long pending...)

"There's someone else."

Three little words --- that's all it took.

It had been far too placid, she decided. She had expected fireworks but all she was left with was an odd sense of detachment.

She stared at herself in the mirror, bemused.
Nothing to mark that she was not the person she had been yesterday.

I Adore When It Isn't Me

2007-09-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

Her brow wrinkles in concentration and her ink-stained fingers tap the bench in rhythm. Coffee with what looks like whipped cream on top sits half forgotten next to her stack of notes. She looks up in time to catch a retreating smile. "I was singing out loud, wasn't I?", she asks the smiler. Exasperation Central.

Sometimes

2007-09-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

I’m tired of reading between the lines and measuring the depth. I’m tired of placing everything under a damned microscope. I wish I could admire the beauty of the surface, for a change. I wish I could appreciate meaninglessness, irrelevance and anything that is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Only sometimes, though.

Poisoned wine

2007-09-06T06:21:00.001-05:00

Poison,
Was laced into
The first glass of sweet wine you offered me

Since then even water tastes like fire

From betrayal is born vindictiveness
And for those of us who never forget
It is akin to the demon child born of a mortal womb

You will always be the poison in my sweet wine

Delusion

2007-09-05T13:15:00.000-05:00

The past can be terribly deceptive. It’s like an old photograph. You see a smiling face, a loving arm around someone, and your eyes start glistening with unshed tears.
I look so happy…
Photographs can lie.
They’re just images you create.
Smiles can be faked.
The past can delude.
All because you want to believe.

Mirror

2007-08-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

Remember that day in the coffee shop? You know who appeared on that empty chair beside you. You tried to hide her, didn’t you? With extra cups of cappuccino and silly laughter and inane conversations. Do you think your friends noticed? No, you did a pretty good job.

It’s a pity reflections can’t be killed.

Of Peace

2007-08-23T09:13:00.000-05:00

Days passed into weeks, into months. And in that time, she slowly started to forgive, because forgiveness is the start to peace. And perhaps this is why peace makes the most profound and costliest bruise: its acquisition comes only through heart-wrenching sorrow. And she forgave, because the memory doesn’t eat their soul. It devours yours.

Pride and Prejudice

2007-08-21T04:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes,
you close your eyes
to shut out the whole world
Pretending,
you’re the only one in it
For a piece
of that illusory peace

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes,
you close your eyes
And leave them shut
Just to see if,
when you open them
the other person is still there

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Speakers interchanged
But the words stayed true.

Waiting to resign

2007-08-20T06:33:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time there were just dreams and doings
Victory and failure;
Zenith and nadir,
See-saws and slips
Happiness and despair.

Today, there is Acceptance.
And an unfathomable piece more than simplistic outcomes.
There are differing motives.
Incomprehensible facts,
Complicated states,
Unknown pitfalls.

Despite the sudden up swell,
Resignation has still not arrived.

The right choice

2007-08-19T10:21:00.000-05:00

She bit her lip in frustration. She couldn’t believe she was in such a situation again.
Choices. Argh. Why did it always have to be either this or that? Why me? Why me?
No. She had to choose. She had to make a decision. And the right one, for that matter.

"Beige. The beige bag."

Lady Cleo

2007-08-14T04:46:00.000-05:00

The ‘queen’ reclined there; surveying a freshly showered dark night shining like a knight’s gauntlet that lay beneath her.

Some faces, familiar hukka smell, chocolate fondue, her stretched, bare legs appeared in a dream.

In the half-light of lanterns there was no harm in being all that she wasn’t.
Daybreak was still a while away.

Real passion

2007-08-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

The week

What a week! she winced
Every morning waking up with a bad headache
A foul taste in her mouth and the most unpleasant feeling of all…
That the world was just the way she had left it the previous night
Improved not a whit, insurmountable problems waiting to plague her again
No respite.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The night

Evening was a haze of cigarette smoke and alcohol
Replacing the daze of screaming and insomnia
Tonight, bodies entangled
An ode to the twisted tango of her emotions all week
Yet, underneath the stupor…

Dad, how could you? Forgive me, ma, just couldn’t take it anymore so I ran away. Leave me alone!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Morning after

She thought she might’ve been able to call them moans of passion
They were after all…moans…of passion

It was just great sex, wasn’t it?

She shrugged, unhappy realization

It never is.

A night of great passion is always followed by a hangover. It felt exactly the same as every other morning this week.

The Rose Garden-5

2007-08-07T04:19:00.001-05:00

“Honey, am home!”
She went straight to the loo mirror, ran her fingers through the freshly re-bonded hair, highlighted with blonde streaks. For a moment she drifted into the first anniversary, then the second, finally lost count……
She took out the carefully hidden gift and ran to the Study

The doctor declared he was gone by 3 pm!

Dream Away--3

2007-08-07T03:55:00.000-05:00

She who breathes smoke and fire also waits for someone who is quiet,
She who runs with the deer also slows down to keep pace in heels,
She, who creates, also breaks it up with just a single stroke!
She who turns around and wields her sword without armour
Also wishes to rest beneath his shade.

Lonely

2007-08-03T01:20:00.000-05:00

Specks of red, blue, green light
Shadows of moving palm fronds
The sky a reddish-grey haze-- like a shoddy, old blanket!

Glittering drops of water down the glass, some scale a zig-zag path like a scared snake, some others rest a while deciding where to go.

Someone lies there, counting every drop and then,
loses count.

Dream Away--2

2007-08-02T04:50:00.000-05:00

A home with a chequered red napkin in the kitchen, a dark wood bookcase, some lilting music in the air, a warm Sunday lunch a warmer homecoming on a Monday evening.

A home in moments and an inaudible flutter of an eye.

She, so wanted to dream them and she did.
Just that they never came true.
-----------------------------------------------------
[The other side of Bibs' Dream Away]

Trust Walk

2007-08-01T23:06:00.001-05:00

Will you walk a mile with me on the gravel path, on the murky city sands?
Will you talk a while with me by the grey sky and the rolling sea?
Will you stop-by when I wake up in the still night, a moment before dawn?

Hey Stranger,

Will you bring your true song to me?

Wisdom from the 55er-Oracle

2007-07-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

Too many cooks are better than one in the bush. Forewarned is forespawned. Tis better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. So think wisely and as well as possible. Depending on how deep it is. The well, that is. Half a loaf, as they say, is enough for dinner.

Been away for a bit. Stuck in a morass of work right now. But I wrote this as part of what started out as Choliwali Chronices and is fast becoming my life-work. Hehehe. It doesn't make much sense here (it doesn't make much sense in the original either) but I couldn't imagine writing a 55er and not posting it here. Apologies for all the nonsense :)

Ray of light

2007-07-30T03:41:00.000-05:00

He looks at her from the corner of his eye
Thinking she won’t notice
Secretly hoping she will
So secret, he won’t even admit to himself

She feels his look
Like sunlight, warm on her cheeks
Her eyes stay downcast
Shielded from his blinding gaze
Warmed nevertheless by its intensity

Then it starts to rain.

Helplessness

2007-07-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

His helplessness grew. It consumed him. He heart felt heavy and it weighed him down. ‘It's moved closer to my stomach’, he thought, ironically amused.
Helplessness. He wrote it in the air making the‘s’s nice and loopy. He drew it again. In a circle surrounding him as he whirled around. He laughed. Again. And again.

They lost him--VI

2007-07-24T03:17:00.001-05:00

He checked once more-- the final draft—before handing it over. The lady at the counter wore a blank look like the other side of an important piece of paper which exists just so.

“My father….you see, this is my father” he stammered.

The lady nodded and stamped ‘24’!

In the ‘Missing’ column,
a father- numbered!

Time, Perhaps? VII

2007-07-24T02:59:00.000-05:00

She’d been cleaning and washing for days. The winter sun would often envelope her back like a warm pashmina as she sat there mending quilts.

Then one day, she skipped breakfast and bade a teary farewell to parents.

Soon she pulled out the pre-selected saree and brought the stool near the fan before she ran out of

Pot of gold

2007-07-19T03:49:00.000-05:00

Her parents say that she was born talking.

Then she discovered writing
English grammar compositions
Stories and poetry
Letters and emails
Chats and instant messaging
SMSes, orkut scraps
Resumes and reports

Then she stumbled onto blogging
And anonymous posting
Even editing and deleting
And much later, private publishing

But silence is yet to be learnt.

Recycled message

2007-07-17T23:49:00.000-05:00

After this

You washed up my shore
Like a bottle with a message, once more

But it hasn’t been long
Yet it seems so wrong

A recycled kiss
Something, terribly amiss

The cigarette smoke
With your signature stroke

As my soul retreats
Your audible heart-beats

Give the midnight hour a shake
But, can we remake?

Song 55s--In dino....

2007-07-16T05:39:00.001-05:00

Circa 2007
In an old shoe-box, with little slits lived Lady Birdie.
A peck here, a pull with her beak there revealed the sepia toned world outside. Of a small unkempt room, a worn-out couch, lots of paper, records, bottles, shoes and what not.

In that year of insignificance, she’d still not given up on the Sky!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hai tujhe bhi ijaazzat, karle tu bhi mohabbat……from the film Life..in a Metro]

Gold-digger

2007-07-16T00:18:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday!

Paper rustling, excitement tinged with apprehension
Glittering, blinding.. sheer intoxication

I can’t accept this, it’s too expensive!

So what? It’s just money.

Too much of it!

It doesn’t matter, there’s plenty.

Exactly.
When it is about something else,
that matters more,
even if there’s very little of it,
I’ll be delighted to accept.

Song 55: Suicide Note

2007-07-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

I wanted to believe you would win?
The black raven's song, a caress, shoddy shades of clotting blood.
The Bottle, broken like shattered dreams.
The trembling heart. Closed my eyes.
Did not wish to see. Lived in an illusion.
Some thoughts, invented. Placed carefully. Built a new world of intangible thoughts.
I wanted to believe.

**
The song is called Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano.
I am too lazy to hoist the song here, if one wants to hear it. Leave a message, I shall mail it to you.

Afterglow

2007-07-11T07:25:00.000-05:00

When we kiss, do you close your eyes?
Or are you looking over my shoulder to see if someone better comes along?

I keep my eyes open,
checking if you close your eyes!

How come you don’t trust me?

Because you don’t trust me.

How do you figure that?

Because you ask too many questions!

Turnabout isn't fair play

2007-07-11T07:24:00.001-05:00

She picks a gob of mud and aims carefully
Splatch! It spatters down his clean (too clean she thinks) face

Then she sits back to sip her drink
But it makes her choke

Arsenic!

...she thinks in panic

And so the loquacious one is silenced

But it wasn’t fair play!!

Are her final unspoken words

Sometimes...

2007-07-10T01:33:00.000-05:00

IV

Sometimes, she rides on the crest of the wave like the Chinese dragon-rider from her childhood. She loses count of day and time, flying with the moist breeze.

Sometimes, she somehow wants to whip and push the day, the week, the month with all her might waiting for an oasis which never appears.

Only sometimes, though.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
V

Sometimes, she wonders what if she just vanishes, one day, like those on the ‘missing’ columns in the newspaper. Or perhaps like the Cheshire Cat, from feet upwards till only her words remain choked mid- air.

Sometimes, she wonders what her epitaph will say. Will anyone come for her funeral?
And then she shudders.

Only sometimes, though.

Another life VI

2007-07-10T01:08:00.000-05:00

She is in a transparent capsule of bubbled glass which has taken the shape of her head, limbs, hips and the feet jutting out like an odd bunk-head.

Sometimes the world watches her from afar like an unknown symptom.
Sometimes they try pricking, tapping where the glass has a weak turn.

Just like that

Song55: Wonderful Tonight

2007-07-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

He was driving back home. He did not even know why he went back, nothing really awaited him there. His house seemed to sense his loneliness and claw at him.

He wished he had her , but most of all he wished he had told her how wonderful she had looked the night she drove away.

***
My first attempt at a song fifty five. The song wonderful tonight- eric clapton

Mangalasutram

2007-07-03T06:57:00.000-05:00

“It’s too late for you, now….”
“Utterly talented but crazy.”
“Hard to handle”

Two women.
Poised. Smart. Genuine.
Uusally mis- understood.

Two women.
Witness to life around,
The gory battles fought alone,
The comfort of soaring high.

As the Nadaswaram tuned in and some more ghee revved up the holy fire,
The Writer missed their chapter!

Come IV

2007-07-03T01:55:00.000-05:00

Come here,
where the Nadaswaram and the Madalam invoke a new path
where roses, jasmine, sandal, sugar candy can’t wipe the tears of a gifting father
where the tunes of the Laali and the shared moment beneath the Arundhati make a promise worthwhile

Come here,
to a new bond to the south of the Vindhyaas

Room with a view

2007-07-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

The room has a view. An expensive view.

She says,

Take a walk in the mud. Stay out in the rain so long that you never feel clean and dry again. When you return, you won’t need to stand at the window to see the view.

He shrugs,

Too late, I already paid the rent.

The Conjurer

2007-06-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

Anyone can write a story.
So the little boy tried. He wrote and conjured a tale about happiness and magic, tinted with magical shades of love.
And now the little boy has grown up.
As he looks for the story, he realizes that anyone can write a story.
Only now his words reverberate in third-person.

Love

2007-06-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

It had been seven months since she saw him last. Watching the lazy smoke rings float away, she made a decision. Picking up an old, yellowed postcard, she began to write.

I miss you. I haven't changed the sheets since you left. They still smell like you. It makes me retch.
I like being thin.

Dance 2

2007-06-24T23:33:00.000-05:00

In the half-light, her dancing shoes tapped on the wooden floor and the air buzzed oft-repeated tunes. She swayed in a dervish motion and her white, fleshy calves tweaked like the floor beneath.
Something inside her swelled fighting her composed numbness; the last flicker of a fully-molten candle.

Outside, it hadn’t stopped raining for two days.

In search of me...

2007-06-21T09:44:00.001-05:00

When the sprightly morning breeze touches my face,
When the hurried day gradually mingles in slow motion,
When the darkness of the night is cracked by thunder,

I search

Not for another one, not those locked-up moments,
Nor the frozen dewdrops, from the autumn of yesteryears!

The un-awareness churning in half-dream,
Bubbles of boiling water!

True!

2007-06-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

The wound up clown kept clapping…out of beat. Against the flood light beneath the window, it was a million white needles showering from the jet black sky.
A child somewhere fought with motherly logic to fly a kite, one torn that very moment leaving him with the tail.

Clowns and kites are hardly ever true.

Come III

2007-06-19T06:50:00.000-05:00

In response to Ideasmithy's Telling All

Come here,
where the air whips up cigarette ash, the tattered moments fly out of windows in the sky, fluttering in the air till they vanish forever into nothingness, where every day someone leaves all that he ever had, everyone that she ever called her own.

Come here,
where days are fire balls of lost love.

Telling all

2007-06-19T03:58:00.000-05:00

For Shreyasi, who understands what I don't say as well. And for the person this conversation happened with.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

How are things?

What things?

You know...are you dating anybody? I haven't heard you talk about any women.

I haven't liked any women.

Turn left here, it's around the corner. What were you saying?

Nothing.

It wasn't nothing. Tell all!

I said, I haven't liked any woman.

Ah.

What?

Nothing.

Really?

Well......all?

All.

Ah.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Ode to fifty-five moments

2007-06-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

[This is an emotional one for me, almost like the last parting of the school farewell and also like the first day of college in their respective grief and joy, reflective of life as it is.
This post is for Ideasmith who made me write my first fifty-fiver, for my partners (Wiseling, Revealed, Ginger Girl, Kyra, Spazsim Chasm) in creation and inspiration on 55s and Then Some.., for all my silent readers and the enthusiasts (Dreamcatcher, Rambler, Bibin, Moushumi) who egg me on
To all of you, named and un-named,
I take a bow!

On the realistic side, Google Analytics says my Fifty-fived Charmers is the most visited section
So here I raise a toast to…]

My life’s trails etched on you
The smiles, the thirst, the pain

Those that have brought me to you
Those who have treasured me for you

Each new day
Of getting drunk—the tides and ebbs
The aftermath.
One more you

My life eternal
To you, my fifty-fivers
Not one word more, nor one less

Once more III

2007-06-13T07:05:00.000-05:00

Then there’s this push to get It rolling
All to merely keep It moving

Words, views, pictures, memories
Taken out from little nooks and crannies

How many times more?
Tell me, isn’t It a bore?

All to merely keep It moving
The It and its unknown meaning.

How many times more?
For you,
Once more!

Once more II

2007-06-11T07:01:00.000-05:00

The row of diamonds on her finger glistened, petite! Guarded by the imposing pearl and cat’s eye on either side. He looked on intently without talking.

The waiter pulled out the lighter.
For an ephemeral moment, their eyes met over the candle’s flicker and something whizzed down her.

Icy yet warm

For the last time, perhaps!

C'est la vie

2007-06-11T02:34:00.000-05:00

My words of the moment felt strange and looked around surreptitiously as it rode on its wooden horse of Time.
It suddenly took out its sword to wield against an approaching dragon but took a few steps back to see that it was but its own future, my words of the past!

C’est la vie!

Bar-frog

2007-06-06T06:40:00.000-05:00

Hungover on reality....
Or high on illusion?
Life is nothing more than a visit to the bar!

What’s your poison tonight, sir?

How about a cocktail of the two?

Coming up …. one average human being on the rocks.

No, hold the ice, give it to me neat..

Impossible, the ice keeps it from exploding!

Once more

2007-06-05T08:21:00.000-05:00

How many times more?
Once, twice, thrice over…

Once more there is a resolution that it should stop here, no more knocks, no more stopping by
No more of being a mud-cake

Once more there is a weak breakage, there’s gathering will, there’s feeling bad ….

Another revolution of the giant wheel
For the last time, perhaps!

Dance!

2007-06-01T07:49:00.000-05:00

The field was set with a reddish canopy.
Gradually the wind started rolling from the ground, upwards, taking with it deadwood, dried leaves, the garbage of urban life.
Then in a sudden flash the world lit up, followed by a thundering growl and a blinding sheet of water all around.

What a Dance of the Summer Rains!

shit. finally.

2007-05-30T06:09:00.000-05:00

Finally.

After all the complaining, whining, nit-picking, thinking, grumbling, over criticizing, rethinking, hair splitting and denouncing.

After all the quarter-life crisis’s, the ends of the world and the manic depression. After all the mood swings and emotional roller coasters.

After all that messed up nonsense, I’ve finally figured - I am completely incapable of happiness.

Shit.

De-bugging

2007-05-21T00:18:00.000-05:00

They tell her to take him out of the ‘system’, remove that part of her which has become him.
They tell her to take an early morning walk, be healthy and flourish.

And she wonders, “What, if I throw everything in the air and say what I ought to, to the one I need to?”

An ever-lasting smile

2007-05-21T00:12:00.001-05:00

There was noise, lights and people around.
She was munching a snack, letting the tamarind-flavoured dip tickle her tongue and spirit.

Suddenly she watched him smile at an unspoken thought.
An immediate muffling of the world by something, which seemed to reach deep within and squeeze her innards.

A few moments later, the television was un-muted.

Acts of little faith

2007-05-16T10:57:00.000-05:00

Presumption and Ego came to me.

Presumption cooed,

I’ll make you happy!

Ego thundered,

I’ll make you sad!

I shrugged and said,

As you please

She only made me laugh
He just made me cry
Disappointed, I didn’t pay my fare

The failed act faded
I was left holding the used ticket to the show.

water people

2007-05-16T04:41:00.000-05:00

The person you love is 74.8% water

Think about it. More than half of the person you cannot live without, is made up of a colourless, tasteless liquid. More than half is something that is so common, it’s hard to see why you love them. And more than half is something we take for granted.

Caged II

2007-05-16T01:58:00.001-05:00

And I do not want to be here
In front of this inane piece of paper
With thousand thoughts crossing my path.

My mind crashes on things I must do
And right now too
My heart forever holds the dimpled faith

But I never want to be here
Here, where today never seems a Sunday!

Song-55s--Yesterday once more...

2007-05-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

The familiar swell within just before the eyes met, the usual courtesies, meaningless giggle, some small talk for lack of a common context, the twinkle in each other’s eyes, the momentary faraway look for the sake of ‘what if’, some gulps of cremosa.

How many times does one need a replay?
All for a nest…..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[I was reminded of one of my favourite songs by The Carpenters and hence the title]

Yeah V

2007-05-14T13:44:00.000-05:00

To shake up the doom and gloom atmosphere that suddenly reigns!

Have you ever felt like life is effortless, that your place in it is insignificant but perfect, that you are loved, that you love, that the sun is just exactly the right distance away, the wind blows at exactly the right strength, you are at exactly the right place at the right time?

Yeah :)

Yeah- IV

2007-05-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like the walls are caving in on you with an insurmountable force, that the ground beneath has been trembling and your feet had gone numb to tell you so, that the ceiling above has cracked and you are shrinking in yourself till a huge blast sucks everything out to Nothing

Yeah!

Yeah -III

2007-05-12T07:50:00.001-05:00

Have you ever walked on fire, simmering, spread out fire like a fluorescent carpet, feeling the singing deadwood beneath your feet, Trusting that nothing can hurt you and knowing that it actually didn’t touch the soft skin where your feet shapes out like a bean pod, knowing that Life is but a Real Trust-Walk?

Yeah!