shit. finally.

Finally.

After all the complaining, whining, nit-picking, thinking, grumbling, over criticizing, rethinking, hair splitting and denouncing.

After all the quarter-life crisis’s, the ends of the world and the manic depression. After all the mood swings and emotional roller coasters.

After all that messed up nonsense, I’ve finally figured - I am completely incapable of happiness.

Shit.

De-bugging

They tell her to take him out of the ‘system’, remove that part of her which has become him.
They tell her to take an early morning walk, be healthy and flourish.

And she wonders, “What, if I throw everything in the air and say what I ought to, to the one I need to?”

An ever-lasting smile

There was noise, lights and people around.
She was munching a snack, letting the tamarind-flavoured dip tickle her tongue and spirit.

Suddenly she watched him smile at an unspoken thought.
An immediate muffling of the world by something, which seemed to reach deep within and squeeze her innards.

A few moments later, the television was un-muted.

Acts of little faith

Presumption and Ego came to me.

Presumption cooed,

I’ll make you happy!

Ego thundered,

I’ll make you sad!

I shrugged and said,

As you please

She only made me laugh
He just made me cry
Disappointed, I didn’t pay my fare

The failed act faded
I was left holding the used ticket to the show.

water people

The person you love is 74.8% water

Think about it. More than half of the person you cannot live without, is made up of a colourless, tasteless liquid. More than half is something that is so common, it’s hard to see why you love them. And more than half is something we take for granted.

Caged II

And I do not want to be here
In front of this inane piece of paper
With thousand thoughts crossing my path.

My mind crashes on things I must do
And right now too
My heart forever holds the dimpled faith

But I never want to be here
Here, where today never seems a Sunday!

Song-55s--Yesterday once more...

The familiar swell within just before the eyes met, the usual courtesies, meaningless giggle, some small talk for lack of a common context, the twinkle in each other’s eyes, the momentary faraway look for the sake of ‘what if’, some gulps of cremosa.

How many times does one need a replay?
All for a nest…..

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[I was reminded of one of my favourite songs by The Carpenters and hence the title]

Yeah V

To shake up the doom and gloom atmosphere that suddenly reigns!

Have you ever felt like life is effortless, that your place in it is insignificant but perfect, that you are loved, that you love, that the sun is just exactly the right distance away, the wind blows at exactly the right strength, you are at exactly the right place at the right time?

Yeah :)

Yeah- IV

Have you ever felt like the walls are caving in on you with an insurmountable force, that the ground beneath has been trembling and your feet had gone numb to tell you so, that the ceiling above has cracked and you are shrinking in yourself till a huge blast sucks everything out to Nothing

Yeah!

Yeah -III

Have you ever walked on fire, simmering, spread out fire like a fluorescent carpet, feeling the singing deadwood beneath your feet, Trusting that nothing can hurt you and knowing that it actually didn’t touch the soft skin where your feet shapes out like a bean pod, knowing that Life is but a Real Trust-Walk?

Yeah!

Yeah-II

Have you ever run through blinding dust-storm, not knowing what lies beyond, where you are going, whether you’ll Be in the next moment, just running till you almost feel that you are flying with the storm at your feet, soaring into the Nihil above, staring at the Creation beneath until a grounding spray of freshness?

Yeah

Aphrodite

She spoke to me

Not a word said
Yet her silence whispered secrets
only a true mate to my soul could know

As I contemplated her silence
She seemed to blur

I saw her speaking to another
Or was it a reflection in her mirror?
Was it me?

I stayed wondering,
Eternity only, for company

yeah

Have you ever walked down the street, staring pointlessly at the nearly-melting tar road, hoping and praying that a big, freakish bolt of lightening would just strike you, singeing you to the bone, just so you don’t have to walk another step or live another minute of this crappy existence you call a life?

Yeah.

Movie 55s--Stealing Beauty

On a journey of life
Half retold
Of love, virginity
And unknown fatherhood.

Of discoveries
Secrets, unknown beings
Of death, farewells
And bouncing reeds

Poetry, beauty
In abundance lay
Of diaries, stories
And Tuscany days.

The after-glow of the setting sun bathed Lucy, saying love hasn’t waited but the unspoken journey for her dead mother has….
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[Inspired by the 1996 film 'Stealing Beauty' by Bernardo Bertolucci]

Movie 55s--Bark!

Sense non-sense
Quiet bedlam
She, a live zombie

Not a word
Not a blink
Creation of medicated sleep!

She’s been barking all night telling this world of her shared canine existence!
She’s found solace in looking at the world sideways;
The world’s not forgiven him for loving her still!

And I wonder who’s walking whom?

Choices are Impossible to Not Regret

She wanted the Steve Maddens. They were beautiful. Fawn, strappy, sexy kitten heels. The sort of shoes that were her. She almost bought them. And then she saw the Nikes. Thought about how she needed to run. Imagined that she wanted to leave the familiar behind. She bought them.

Some people should stick to Maddens.

Another crosspost. Sigh.

Caged

There are half a dozen worksheets open in front of me; the cursor blinks waiting for the next word.
There are people, noises, voices, and fears in the head.
How far is home?

Every now and then something flutters, claws and cries inside me.
Breathless being!

Soon, a serpentine trickle of blood leaves its mark.

I wouldn't exchange places with it

There's a HEB plastic bag waiting to cross the road with me. It bobs politely by my side, patiently waiting for the lights to change and then crosses. I watch it climb higher, rolling onto its back. A break for the sun is what it's attempting. Yayy, bag. I worry about it, though. Remember Icarus?

Sorry, I cross-posted but it's been too long since I posted here.

First time

“Two, please,” I told the guy behind the counter.
Keya’s eyes were alight with excitement. I was more composed.
She reached for hers with trembling hands.
“You’re almost twenty!” I teased.
“It’s your first time too,” she retorted. “Even you were never allowed this stuff”
I grinned, and took a bite of the cotton candy.

Blues

Light green and turquoise blue to perfection.
Beautiful blue kundan on her ears.
A hint of kohl smudged through the day.
A splash of mocha on her lips.
She couldn’t believe the reflection she saw in the loo mirror!

Such is the lure of not being any given day,
Of course, it is Monday….

Calvin and Susie?

When the moon makes black and white patterns in the room and the world has slowed down, there are meandering
thoughts,
dreams,
revelations.

The room looks like a stage set for an impending show, exciting and unknown.
She pulls some moments closer and hopes they don’t go where they have always gone before…

Affectionate, they!

Come II

Come here,
Where the casuarina has been shaped by the whispering wind gone by,
Where the evening star always hugs the dark
Where you will know the tales of the old tree bark.

Come here,
Where your footsteps will talk to the one behind
And your soul will meet the one whom you always hide.

That thing you do...

In half-slumber,
In unknowing.
In trying to hold onto the floating riff-raff
It’s that thing you do!

In surprises, fleeting glances,
In not answering when I ask,
In speaking when you do
It’s that thing that you do!

In my dreaming,
In my wanting to hold you
It’s always that thing you do
To Me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Inspired by the 1996 film 'That Thing You Do!' written and directed by Tom Hanks. The lyrics are here.]

The Rose Garden-IV

She woke up with the first alarm. Another morning jog bunked!
But why not?

She imagined how X,Y,Z…might be right now. Loved, caressed, on vacation.
She has a usual work day to traverse. Lone ranger.

Jealousy, self-pity and utter monotony swelled within her and she quickly closed her eyes, only for the next alarm ring….

Black Hole Sun

6.52PM.Sunday.29th April 07.Bangalore.From my 7th floor window.

I hate sunsets.
They leave me melancholy.
I dread the twilight halo
and let it pass
hiding in my windowless cubbyhole
on weekdays.
But Sundays are particularly tough.
All of my seventh floor apartment windows face west.
Ironic?
I try to ignore, but the orange glow
seeps in under the heavy drawn curtains
taunting me.

***********

You are getting obsessive
my mother says.
So I decided to work on it.
Last Sunday evening
I pushed the curtains aside
braved the disparage carroty blaze
And stared out for a while.
The sun
placid and unfriendly
all consuming and shameless.
The familiar inexplicable hollow feeling.
When will I learn to deal with it?

Butterflies

Ashes flutter around me, as time moves by. Mounting heaps of clichés, trying to fit them within the clockwork of human thoughts.

It will not work. I rest. Eyes closed, hoping to not see.

Blot out the thoughts and pin them like dead butterflies.

Preservation.

Eyes close, eyes open. I rest, I breath. I live.